a little more serious.. but necessary.

well... it's late.. i meant to start earlier.. and i had a direction i wanted to go.. but it doesn't like any of that will be happening...

i had just gotten an email from a friend,, and she told me that she had only received three personal emails from me in the last four years... so, naturally,,, i sat out to prove her wrong... i searched for her name in my inbox,, it came back with 68 messages.. granted not all 68 were to and from her,, some of them just mentioned her name in them... while reading some of the older ones,, i stumbled across a few things from my past,, things i had forgotten..

one in particular got me a little choked up.. it was a string of messages back and forth to someone (who shall remain nameless) close to me. It was july of 2006.. i had only been out of jail for just a few months.. and the first few messages were extremely negative on my part. Basically, I didn't think i could do it anymore, I was getting the itch.. the dope game was calling me.. work was too hard. life was too hard. i had nothing. i lived on a couch in my mom's dining room. i was going through a messy break up. probation was breathing down my neck. everyone was just waiting.. waiting to see what i would do. i'm sure quite a few were praying too..


coincidentally, I cussed a lot more in my emails back then.. and i rambled on, jumping from subject to subject.. almost like my blogs are now.. also, my grammar/spelling wasn't as good then.. anyhow,, here's an excerpt from one of those messages:

"but anyways i know everyone worries about me,,, they'll probly never stop.. but i guess they're right too. cuz sometimes i think, like i don't know how long i'm gonna be able to make it.. like when i get in bad moods and stuff i start thinking like why am i even trying.. i know this is not the real me.. an object always returns to it's original state, i'm just having a long run at it.. i don't know maybe not... i need to go to an aa meeting. well anyways i used to tell myself that since i couldn't be a role model that i was doing a good thing.. i was sacrificing myself so that my three younger brothers would see what happens and never touch the shit. i was a fuckin hero. yeah right."


scary stuff, huh?.... i had forgotten about feeling that way. amazing..
then in a later message,, i had recovered a little from whatever horrible thing was clouding my head that day,,, and the recipient had challenged me to be more positive, and asked me what the most important thing in life to me was (suggesting it should be love)... i can tell i was perplexed by the question..


my answer:



"and the most important thing in life to me has changed so many times in the last few years, i don't even know anymore.. i think right now it is just making money and getting on my feet. and not getting arrested. making my dad proud of me for once. and not screwing over the people who love me, cuz they're the easiest targets.. no matter how bad i screw them for money or whatever, they'll always take me back.. i guess really just being a good person is the most important thing to me. earning my love instead of abusing it.. i don't know..."



jeez... i've achieved most if not all of those goals.. my dad tells me he's proud of me all the time.. just the other day he told me he was proud of my credit score.. (he's a banker).... anyhow,, it's nice to take a look back every once in a while,, just to see how things used to be.. i think i've really been taking life for granted lately,, cuz it used to be a LOT harder.. I've got it pretty easy now,,thank god... and i need to remember that.

on similar note,, i feel that i've gotten complacent with a few of the people that love me the most lately.. i forgot how hard it must have been to deal with me just a few years ago.. i've taken for granted the fact that i probably couldn't be here today, without the friends and family i have been blessed with.

so publicly,, i would like to apologize. I'm sorry.

and thank you.. for everything.