If my name were Jerry Seinfeld

So What's the deal with the gift registries? Everyone's got a gift registry! What if I wanna buy you something that you don't even know that you need. What then?

I was walking around wal-mart today, trying to find a copy of my favorite movie, and there was a little gift registry computer by the jewelry section. Who wants to entice people to buy their gifts from Wal-Mart?? seriously....what's next? Auto Zone? Your Local Drug Store?

Also, what constitutes the need to sign up for a registry? you know what, screw it... I'm signing up for one.. tomorrow.. you can find me registered at Half Price Books. and on the "summit racing" website. oh,, and ESPECIALLY guitar center.. actually don't even worry about finding me in the registry at guitar center,, just buy anything,, anything in the store,, and then give it to me.. I promise I won't complain.

You know what,, on second thought,, let's save us both some time.. I won't even bother registering anywhere. YOU just feel free to buy me anything, anytime, anywhere. and I'm cool with it. and if you're still worried about disappointing me, provide a receipt.. I'll handle it.

over and out.

Roger the Koger

I talked to Roger the Koger tonight.. he always has encouraging words. for any of you that have no clue whom I'm speaking of, he's a good friend of mine, a mentor, an advisor, that i met in jail. He's extremely intimidating, yet insightful and full of love. His lower arms showcase the amount of time that he's spent in the prison systems of california and texas... in his eyes, the two greatest states... His huge collection of Hells Angels Memorabilia represents the amount of respect and trust that other outlaw bikers place in him, and his stories will live forever in me, as they never failed to offer an escape from reality, while living in a place designed to force you into it... of my favorites are the ones about "fire camp"... while in a california prison he was selected to go live in a mountain-side campsite and fight forest fires with only axes and shovels.... he later got out of prison and became a fireman, and then several years later dropped everything and moved to texas for a girl he met.. that's just the tip of the iceberg.....

We lived in a tank with 68 other felons, and he is the only one I have managed to keep in touch with.

anyhow, on with the story. He called me while I was driving home from class earlier. It seems he's always drunk when we speak... so he repeats himself a lot.. i don't mind. This time he kept telling me, "You're a youngster, and you got a good head on your shoulders.. you're gonna make it. you're goin places I've never seen." I would usually inject something to the effect that i agree... (we were speaking of my taking night classes, and that I was thinking of going into engineering)

then he would say, "You're gonna make it... if you ever think you can't.. you just call me.. I'll come down there... I'll come down there with a couple home boys,,, and talk to your professors... we'll make sure your grades improve.. I promise"..

"I can do that you know,,, I can... and I would"...

and I would say that I knew he would... and he would.. not that i think it would work.. but he would do it....

then he would go on about, "Ryan, you're a brother.. I'd stand back to back with you and fight off any enemy, any day.."... I'm sure he would.. but he knows I'm not a fighter... maybe that's why he says it.

then he would talk about how, "We're gonna ride again!! you'll get another bike.. if not,, I'll find you one.. you just come down here this summer and we'll ride!!"

actually, he picked out my last bike.. he found it, and took me to look at it. There was another bike next to that one that I was looking at,, but he told me, "that bike's nice,, but you'll get more tail with this one." he was right.. that's how much i trust his judgement.

anyway,, there wasn't any real point to this blog.. just that I talked to an old friend.... and even though a lot of what comes out of his mouth is drunken babble, or outdated prison slang, or california dreamers talk, there is always a deeper message.. if you listen for it..

tonight's message: no matter how different I am now from when we met, or how detached I have become from them, a friend is a friend, and sometimes a friend is all you need.

I wonder if talking to Roger is as benificial for him as it is for me?????

condiments

hello there,, it's been a record setting weekend around here.. twelve inches of snow in dallas.. forty nine states with snow at the same time.. all on the weekend that i'm moving apartments.. for the first time in my life i had to shovel snow. for two hours! anyway,, it's done..

i was developing my profile earlier, and one of the boxes was labeled "interests",, so in my usual fashion, i spouted off the first seven things that popped in my head and might vaguely describe what i'm interested in... or i think would be funny to put in my interests box... one of which was the word "condiments"... some of you know already, that i'm a condiment man.. i love condiments.. am I "interested" in condiments??? i wouldn't go that far,, anyhow while reviewing my newly edited profile, i noticed that all the words i typed had been posted as links, i clicked to see what i would be directed to.. it was a list of all the other bloggers that had listed that same interest!! how exciting.. so,, most of my random interests yielded no potential companion bloggers,, all but one,,,, CONDIMENTS! who knew.. i'm no longer alone in this world... there is a shitload of people out there writing blogs about condiments. unless condiments has become some weird slang word used in context to politics, or gay relations (to be polite),,, two things which i know nothing about... pick almost any other subject under the sun and i'll have a world class debate with you about it.. peace.

how's that for summarizing?

i'm taking a break.. for the last hour i've been trying to fabricate two short stories for a writing job i'm applying for (which sounded easy at first).. i thought it would be fun to at least send some samples in.. but now i'm exhausted.. my head hurts.. and i now realize that i am in-able to write in third person.. or not in-able.. but everything sounds cheesy when i write like that... anyway,, i'm about halfway through the first sample now..


I got a text message today:

typically when a person starts a new blog, said person posts shit on it...
come on slacker.

well here it is. soak it in.



maybe i'll tell a story..

maybe not.. i wrote the story out and didn't like it... so i'll summarize..

i was driving my motorcycle home one day.. and this girl was parked on the side of the road. i stopped to see if she was broke down but she wasn't.. she said that she was on her way to north carolina (i think).. and when i asked where she was coming from, she said california... in my head i was thinking,, "you didn't need to drive through texas"... but i didn't say anything.. also it was peculiar that she was out on this country road in between gorman and lake leon.. anyhow, she said everything was alright that she was just resting for a minute, so i was about to be on my way,, but she asked if i would take her for a ride. so,,,,, i did... she said she loved to ride. mind you,, i'm about eighteen.. i don't know how to talk to girls.. especially not hippie chicks from california.. i have no sisters.. all of my relationships up to this point had ended horribly... actually that still holds true today.. anyhow i was a little nervous.. she got on and i started down the road.. at about forty miles an hour she said i was going to fast and she was scared... she had obviously lied about liking motorcycles.. or she was on acid.. as that crossed my mind,, i began to remember a movie we watched in science class that said acid could be absorbed through human skin,, i became frightened that i would suddenly and unwantingly become high on lsd.... i should note,, that the only drugs i had ingested in my eighteen years was hydrocodon (which i loved) and weed,, which i could live without... anyhow the girl was beginning to really worry me.. she wasn't good at riding.. she kept fighting me in the corners.. and my unconcious mind was playing tricks,,, i kept checking for signs of what i had believed would constitute "tripping".... it was a real wreck of a time.. anyhow,,, i got her back to the station wagon and hurriedly said i had to get home... she asked if i wanted to join her on the trip to tennessee or wherever the hell she was going.. and i said no,,, i didn't want to go to tennesee.. she asked me where i would want to go.. i was really getting nervous now.. I said "nowhere",, and that i just wanted to go home.. i started the bike and sped off. shortly after i noticed a station wagon in my mirror.. smartly,, i passed the turn to my house,, thinking that i didn't want her knowing where i lived.. also i could just see the following conversation with my mom.. so i was going to find a place to turn and then double back and go home... but she was gaining on me.. my stupid bike only went sixty and her station wagon obviously had more umph than that... i cursed aloud.. i decided to beat her on the turn around.. i quickly stoped and pulled a one foot direct turn around in the middle of the road,, there was no way she could turn that boat around and head the opposite direction as i did.. as i passed her she shot me the peace sign out the window and her brake lights came on.... i had that little bike wound out as fast as it would go.. i dove off on my road and didn't let up until i got home,, and then i drove all the way around to the back yard and parked in the tool shed.. i waited a few minutes to see if she had seen me turn,, but she never appeared.. i never saw her again.. what a relief..


now,, over the past seven years or so since "the incident",, it's come to mind on occasion,, and i've always wondered how i might have handled it differently,, had it occurred in different phases of my life.. for example,, just a year later,, i probably would have tried to sell her some coke.. a year after that i might have jumped in the station wagon and sailed that boat all the way around the U.S... a couple years after that i might have tried to seduce her,, maybe another time around i would have jew'ed her for all the drugs she had in the car,, and probably any cash too,, under the false pretenses that i could get us more drugs,, but eventually left her high and dry on the side of the ditch while i sit on a dirt road a couple miles from the dope house dumping out the contents of capsule form vitamins so that i might fill them with meth and later take them at my discretion without the fear of being caught.. one of my old favorite past-times.. or perhaps a different me might have invited her to an AA meeting,, or insisted that jesus loves her.. high or not.. tennessee or not.. another me might have just kept riding.. and avoided the whole situation all together..

today??? i don't know.. i think today,, there would be no f'in way i'd be on a motorcycle in the first place.. i hate cold weather,, and i especially hate riding in cold weather,, although i've been forced to do it several times... but now that i think about it,, i don't have much tolerance for hippies anymore.


be glad i didn't write the long form..