a very special friday, for a very special someone..

And whom might that someone be???? ME!!! I crack myself up.. anyway,, I'm sitting at my house with absolutely nothing to do! I've dreamt of this moment for several months now.. I kept expecting to have all sorts of free time after finals,, and nope... still busy.. and I kept thinking I would get to read so much this summer,, but nope.. and maybe even write a little,,, but nope.. get a tan, nope.. play basketball/workout,,, not much anyway... so, tonight is my night.. no plans what so ever,, and I haven't even informed anyone of my whereabouts or lack of plans. (so that they in turn could not invite me to anything,, which i would then feel guilty and inevitably attend their "anything") So,, what shall I do?? I have no idea.. any number of the before mentioned activities.. or maybe something completely different.. but first things first,, i believe i'll lock the doors and turn off my phone.. (might be hard,, i never turn off my phone) but before i go,, i feel obligated to at least mention Wakarusa... (the arkansas mountain hippie festival) here's to stating the obvioius,,, it was amazing!! other than that.. i learned a lot about hippies, and a lot about myself.. I believe that this is the first time in my life, that i've ever felt uncomfortable at a music festival.. the amount of hippies were overwhelming. I was surrounded by them.. they were sleeping in trees, and on the ground. the camping was very close quarters.. from the comfort of my sleeping bag i could hear numerous conversations, I knew what everybody's business was.. and they knew mine. the older i get, the more i feel like hank hill.. i just wanted about 20 yards of space, and for anyone that wished to speak with me to announce their purpose from the same distance, before approaching my "area".. however,, they failed to recognize my body language and approached whenever they deemed necessary. I do have to say,, that for the most part,, i had pleasant conversations and totally enjoyed the company of my hippie friends once i had let my initial guard down.. there was only a couple of interactions that i didn't enjoy.... so then,, why was i still being aloof?? i think maybe, the question itself is what was making me uncomfortable.. I've always been able to sink right into festival life.. go with the flow, forget about the real world and it's responsibilities. just sort of float from one concert to another, carrying only basic necessities in my back pack, and sharing with those around me while we sit indian style on the grass and in the sun, or even the rain, waiting for our favorite bands to take the stage. usually your knees are overlapping the person's next to yours and the sweat from both of your legs mixes together to make some sort of hippie half breed sweat.. the odor of which is drenched with sunblock, pot smoke, and greasy tacos.. nevermind the fact that your feet and glutes fell asleep twenty minutes ago,, you're just now slipping into what i like to consider "the comfort zone".. the point when all of these usually annoying/painful bodily situations are nigh because you simply can't feel your appendages anymore... perhaps you're slipping into a slightly altered state of consciousness.. a meditation almost.. to where, what is actually an hour only seems like a matter of minutes.. and you suddenly become interested in all of your surroundings... every single detail. or even the conversations from groups of people a few yards away.. nevermind the people next to you,,, you already know all of their business.. you even have a complete inventory of what's in their backpack... i've always been a daydreamer.. perhaps this attributes to my ability to enter the state in question.. anyway,, then,, out of nowhere a distinct sound brings everyone simultaneously to their feet.. usually the first chord, or drum beat of the bands opening song. i've never been hypnotized (that i know of) but i bet the feeling of being brought out of a hypnotic state, staring at some mid forties shrink and wondering what the hell just happened; is pretty close to the feeling i get when we all stand up and scream for the band. It's like i've forgotten why i was even sitting their with my leg stuck the guy next to me until i heard the magic word.. anyhow,, this time,, I never really slipped into festival life as i usually do.. maybe it was the intense hiking that i was doing... or maybe it was the fact that i was broke,, and had to count every dollar i had while there,, keeping me from really letting go of the real world problems that i currently have.. or maybe i'm just getting old.. I did enjoy myself,, immensely.. and i did see a lot of cool bands,, and a lot of cool stuff.. and met some crazy people.. and even traded a piece of bacon to some hippie chick for a sea shell.. which now resides in my truck. soo,, the question,, so i can try to wrap this thing up.. why was i being aloof?? (i laugh every time a type that) i was asking myself that all weekend.. as i mentioned,, normally i am not bothered by hippies.. although this might have been the largest population of hippies i've ever been in.. but i think i was uncomfortable, not because of the people,, or any other outside stimulus.. i was uncomfortable because i didn't understand my own thoughts.. I was uncomfortable because i DIDN'T slip into the festival life this time,, and i didn't know why.. I didn't lose sight of all of my goals and responsibilities.. and i was asking myself why.. and it was making me uncomfortable.. I think the defining moment of the weekend was during matisyahu's set. I love matisyahu's live performances.. LOVE them.. I generally even dance during his sets.. so,, going into his show i had high expectations.. and,, just like any other time in my life,, high expectations often lead to disappointment.. he had changed his set a bit to play for this crowd,, which is likely different from the dallas crowd i have seen him perform for twice in the past.. and he shaved his beard... and the soundman wasn't doing the best of jobs... all this combined with the fact that it was 1:00am on a sunday morning, and immediately following his show I was going to have to hike about a mile through mountain terrain to get back to my truck.. and then we were going to drive six hours back to dallas.. putting our arrival right about 7:00.. at which point in time I would have to decide whether or not to tough it out and go to work,, or take the day off.. so i'm standing there.. in a large group of people.. most of whom are taking acid. and dancing.. with bright colored lights blasting in my face every few seconds, and matisyahu dancing around and beatboxing on stage literally fifteen feet in front of me.. and all of a sudden i think to myself, "what in the fuck am i doing here?" I'm tired and my back hurts, and i don't have any money, and there is a blister on the back of my heel that is really bugging the shit out of me, and my truck payment is due next week, and my tent is rolled up in a mess in the back of my truck because i packed it up in the middle of a storm, and i'm twenty seven years old, and i have to find a place to live by the end of the summer, and nobody wants to lease to me already because of my criminal record, and god knows what they'd think if i told them that i just spent the weekend with a bunch of wild ass hippies that slept on the ground and didn't shower, and i'm about to drive six hours in the middle of the night, a good portion of which is winding mountain roads that i'm unfamiliar with, and i've been in college for three years already and i'm still at least three more away from any sort of a degree, and i want to at least get some sort of career started by my mid thirties, and i'm likely not going to work tomorrow, so that's one days wages that won't go toward whatever goal in my life i could have shot it toward.. one day further away from whatever i'm chasing after... (in fact, i would sleep most of the day),, and there's a bunch of 18 year old lookin kids out here that appear to be on drugs and every one of them reminds me of my little brother,, and the fact that i'm about ten years older than these little butt holes that think they know all about using drugs and not getting caught or overdosing or any of the other nuances to drug users when really they haven't the slightest clue what they're doing or where the hell it came from!!, and given the opportunity i'd have to give them a piece of my mind, i'm positive that they haven't studied the long term effects of these chemicals such as extensively as myself, and even if they did they probably wouldn't care because i didn't either when i was their age, but still they should know.. (and why in the hell did their parents let them come to this thing anyway, they should be the ones put on my imaginary chopping block in the first place,,) and that in the next few years i'm going to have to start forking over the extra money to camp in the old people-go to bed early section,, and i already know my mom is going to be blowing my phone up in the morning wanting to know how it went, and,, I'm ready to be back in texas.. so i turned to dusty and said, "hey man, lets get out of here" and I don't know if he was thinking all of those same things,, but he didn't argue at all.. he was just like, "ya,, lets do it".. so we made the trek back to the truck and came home.. and now some three to four weeks later, i'm spending a good portion of my friday night writing about it.. which is nice.. ok.. sorry,, i really went off... and i'm not even going to edit. surely no one will make it all the way to the end anyway... so enjoy.