for you that have known me too well, for too long.

I'm an asshole... it's a fact. I've acted selfishly, and shown no sympathy for the feelings of others. I've walked through this world, as if i needed no one. I could do everything myself. I've pushed people away that only wanted to love me. I've shown no love nor felt any love. I've done without. I felt as though i didn't need love, because along with love comes problems, complications, negative feelings at times, and heart ache. So I assumed i could do with out either as long as i shun them both. I used people. I am an asshole. there's nothing i can do about all that. It's over. I acted horribly, I criticized people who didn't have the same mindset as myself. I've thought little of them because they were not strong enough to survive in this world. they didn't have what it takes to self motivate. They didn't have what it takes to make things happen for yourself.. to be everything for yourself. To go where you want to go, and do what you want to do. whenever, where ever.

but today,, I want to publicly admit,,, that I AM WRONG. i've been wrong for years. people have tried to tell me otherwise, and i've argued, but now it's been proven to me... i see things through a new light... it seems, I've been a walking, talking contradiction.

for the last few months I've been reminded of the movie "into the wild"... I identified so closely with the main character. He went out into the wilderness alone. He set out on an adventure. self exploration. I envied him. I fully believed that i was capable of the same feat. but about a month ago, i was speaking of the film with a good friend, who didn't love it as much as i did. I protested, and told him my view of things,,,

his reply was, "yeah,, but he never caught on,, that he needed people,, and he died alone, in the woods. with no one around"

at the moment,, his words meant nothing to me.. i left the conversation still believing it was a great movie,, actually i still think it's a great movie,, but for different reasons..

now i love it,, for the message,, that we need people to survive.. nobody can do it alone,, you can try like hell,, but when you finally wear yourself out,, you'll be laying there, all alone.. nobody to talk to.. nobody answering your calls.. nobody. just you,, and your warped fuckin mind... your years of self proclaimed "independence"... your stack of accomplishments.. your metaphorical trophies... your blood, sweat, and tears.. your self...

In recent weeks i've been doing a lot of thinking, and a lot of observing.. I went to washington dc... i watched all the old couples walking around the monuments,, looking at the statues erected to honor history,, history that they no doubt lived through.. they were probably together during the wars of which we were standing in memory of..

then i would observe my dad,,, and his love for people... no matter where we were, he was ready to help somebody,, complete strangers..

always watching it seemed like.. we could be standing side by side,, watching the same scene,, but he would rush over and help... whatever it may have been.. opening a door, helping an old lady up the stairs, making sure someone could see through the crowd, etc, etc.... also he would make conversation with people.. for no reason.. anyone that was in our general vicinity for more than a second.. he was talking to.. I've always been the opposite... i only speak when necessary.. i get whatever information i need out of people, and then i move on... sad existence.

I watch my grandparents... they've been together for so long.. and they still love each other. they still love life. i've always been convinced that that only happens in movies.. nobody stays together.. everybody is miserable. (maybe that comes from going through two different divorces with my mother... i don't know)

i don't know where i'm going with this.... I just want to say... that i'm sorry... to the world.. i want to apologize.. and personally, i want to apologize... there is a few of you,, and one in particular that deserve extreme apologies from me.. I hope you can forgive me,, I hope that i can someday make up for my wrong doings... my horrible attitude towards you, and life in general.. my refusal to let my guard down....


I want to change.. I want to be more like my dad. my grandfather. Men of honor,, and truth.. I want to live hand in hand with the people of this world.. I want to love, and to be loved... I want to help.. I want to forgive. I want to sympathize. I want to believe in people. I want to trust.


This is my promise to the world,,, I will change, I will make a difference.. I will donate time, and money, and physical/ emotional energy... I will put others before myself.... and if at any time, any of you feel that i need be reminded,,, please redirect me back to this blog,, so i can remember my words..



I was afraid before. I was stuck. I refused to listen to reason.....

That will no longer be true.. Please accept my apology..



ps... i'm listening to a live performance by Mark Cohn on NPR... he's playing "walking in memphis".... this song really takes me back.. i can remember singing these lines as loud as possible with my brother and mom,, in the truck when i was about twelve years old.. i've got chills thinking about it.. oh,, the power of music....