The world and all within it

I'm laying in the grass, next to my little brother, underneath the huge sky and the million stars within it. This world seems amazingly large from this viewpoint. People are everywhere doing different things, they all have different problems on their mind. They all have their own agenda. Rushing to and fro, or taking their time. Laughing, crying. We're all under this same sky.

But right here and now. The world is small. It's just me and him. no communication, except for the heart. A handful of memories. I should say a clenched fist full of memories, that will not be loosened until I someday grow senile.

I remember his toes. Sticking out from under the blue sheet. They were dull, a shade of yellow, but still his. The middle toe longer than his big toe, slightly crooked, just like mine. I could have identified his body just from his feet. His hairy wrists and hands, also just like mine. His eyes half open, staring at the ceiling. I looked straight into them, I could still sense pain in there, but somewhat alleviated. His chest and shoulders had grown large over the last year. Here was a grown man laying before me. His muscles were tense, his hair soft. I couldn't stop running my hands through his Mohawk. The blood on his forehead and behind his ear had grown crusty by the time I arrived. I didn't witness his last breath. The last beat of his heart. I loathe this. No matter how hard I squeezed his arms or feet, I could not reverse time. though this did not stop me from trying. And then I watched the men pull the sheet over his head, and wheel him down the hall. Out the glass doors, lifting the table to slide him Into the back of a van....

Now I lay beside him, There is a single rose on top of his casket. Six feet underground. My mother dropped it in the hole as they lowered him in. I'm sure it has wilted by now...

There are plenty of good memories, plenty of bad ones.. But from now on, the memories will consist of this. Me sitting beside him, clenching the grass, the same fashion as I had clenched his Mohawk... The mohawk, a symbol of his bold personality and rebellion, but at the same time it reminds me so much of his childhood. He always had a mohawk every summer. Until he got old enough to realize that it wasn't cool anymore and it didn't make him any tougher..

But,,, the world is bigger than just me and him, and it will continue to turn. No matter how much energy I waste trying to stop it.

blogs, blogs, and more blogs.....

it has been quite a while, hasn't it???

well,, the semester is over,, I've dropped an old friend, and gained a girl friend..

My living situation is about to change drastically,, once again, there will be a baby in the house... not sure how I feel about that..

anyhow,, I've had several really good ideas for blogs lately,, and then forgot them all while shoving facts about electricity and texas government into my cranium over the last three weeks... but that's all over now,, at least for a few months..

in other news,, I have a pet squirrel now,, and she took a big step today,, she made the official move to her cage outdoors.. her first night out of the house,,, ah,, they grow up so fast.. we'll see how she does..


I feel that I achieved a special accomplishment today.. I ate from all three food groups today: Pork, Chicken, and Beef... ah, what a day.. If i hadn't felt too tired and retired to the bedroom a few minutes ago, I could have also had a turkey leg.. oh well,, it'll be waiting for me in the fridge tomorrow..

also,, I borrowed a chainsaw from a friend today.. and proceeded to chop down a bunch of limbs and piss off my neighbors for a solid hour.. there's something relaxing about looking at a bunch of sawed up wood laying on the ground in your yard.. I followed up that activity with a back yard fire and a steak I bought from the farmers market the other day... ah,, grass fed beef....


oh,, in other news,,, my dad is selling all his cows,, and getting out of the business... so,, I have to decide what to do with my two cows.. unfortunately I'm not yet to the phase of my life where i could keep a cow in my backyard... so,, my ideal solution is out of the question..


ok,, I think I'll spend the rest of my evening lying in bed,pondering the better things in life: red meat, power tools, and back rubs... and indy music festivals...

Lissie - Pursuit of Happiness

I'm in love... seriously.. I can't even begin to describe what happens inside me when I watch this video..


fuck engineering.. I'm going back to music..

oh so cold

hello,,,

it's currently friday, february 4th, 2:52 am.. it's snowing outside.. quite gracefully i might add.. but the last few days have not been so amazing.. i haven't been to work or school all week. there has been a one inch thick layer of ice on everything for four days now. Before today, I hadn't ventured farther than a few hundred yards from my house.


jump back to the present,,, I just arrived home.. I drove half way across the metroplex to see the NFL experience in Dallas (another vessel for the nfl to make a shit-ton of money off of the superbowl). the drive to the exhibit was plagued with traffic, ice, and wrecks.

The exhibit however,, was Amazing... lots of emphasis on that..

but by the time I had satisfied the hunger for super bowl nostalgia, two inches of snow had fallen over the city. Now all the ice is neatly tucked away under a soft blanket of snow.

The drive home is quite different. there are hardly any cars on the road. The lanes are no longer visible, so everyone is allowed to drive wherever the hell they want. Most people choose to drive in the center of the highway,, and allow the assholes to pass on either side of them..

there is nothing on the radio,, so i dig through my cd's until i come across the temper trap album and pop it in.. I need to pee. with two ee's.

I take the exit for george bush from 635 and suddenly find myself alone..
all alone...

no more cars.. anywhere.. other than the few scattered here and there on the sides of the highway,, usually facing the wrong direction, completely covered in snow.

I need to pee bad... I mean real bad. so bad, that it hurts to sit down. I can feel it in my back... I can't even lean against the back of my seat.. I'm hunched forward and hovering over the steering wheel.. squinting out into the distance for that warm comforting glow of a QT... (side note: moving to the city has had one pleasant side effect... I've fallen deep deeply in love with the QT stores...)(more on that later)


I take my wallet out of my back pocket and set it on the console; in some desperate attempt to make the urinal pain subside.

didn't work.. I shift weight between butt cheeks a few times.. nothing.. no gas stations in sight.. nothing but office buildings and the distant white wilderness..


A quick glance at the water bottle in my floorboard brings forward a few intriguing thoughts.... calmly I wonder if I might be able to pull off a driving while urinating in a bottle episode without spilling in the truck... I detailed the interior just a few days ago... can't be having any urine spilled in the truck..

suddenly that thought is interrupted when my equilibrium begins sending new messages to my brain.. they're screaming that my body is now traveling in a direction other that forward.. ,,and this new direction is in fact closer to 090 degrees than 000... but immediately correct the situation with a sharp jolt of the steering wheel to the left and back to the right,, and as fast as it had all happened,, I am again heading straight down the highway..

I glance in the mirrors,, but still nobody.... no witnesses..

during this whole episode,, "soldier on" has been playing in the background.. (one of my favorite temper trap songs..) it's cranked up to eleven..


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZs0_r3ROjg (please do)


then,,,

I punched it..


no reason.. just givin' it gas.. a lot of gas..

the rpm's shoot up to around five thousand almost immediately,, proving that i have almost no traction.. but i am still gaining speed.. faster... and faster...



"soldier on.. keep your heart close to the ground.. "


faster still.. and for the most part in a forwardly direction... I own this road.. three lanes wide for as far as I can see,,, all to myself. no yellow lines.. just white..


the song is nearing my favorite part.. right about the four minute mark.. when he screams the word "DAD"


I'm no singer,, but in my own head, I seem to be able to match his pitch on that word...

I belt it..

i can't quite describe how i feel..

invigorated.. With that one word I'm able to release every single thing I've ever felt towards, or wanted to say to my father... just one word... DAD!!!!

it's become quite a scene in the truck now,, the song reaches it's greatest intensity,, I'm traveling about as fast as anyone would ever dare travel in these conditions.. snow is flying toward my truck but amazingly sweeping past as it draws near.. The whole thing looks just like when they launch into warp speed on star trek. (bad reference I know).. i'm screaming at the top of my lungs..

it occurs to me,, that the cops aren't going to care what i'm doing at the moment.. they're too busy helping the hundreds that have run off the road, to worry about some guy driving "too fast" on a road with no lanes and possibly urinating into a plastic bottle in the near future.... i can do whatever I want.. I wish I had a pistol right now so I could hold my arm out the window and blast it into the air as i speed down the road.. while peeing in this bottle..

now THAT,, would just put me right over the top..


and then,, the song is over... i slow down.. back down to earth.. I'm alive.. I don't need to pea anymore.. I'm reminded of when I used to get out on a back road and stand up on my motorcycle at 70 miles per hour.. just to feel alive again.. I don't typically need that sort of adrenaline anymore,, but i suppose tonight IS a special instance.. I've been cooped up in a house with two dudes all week long..


anyhow,, the rest of the trip was uneventful... except I stopped at whataburger.. for obvious reasons.. As I jumped out and began hurriedly walking towards the door... I had one thing and one thing only on my mind.. I was consumed with my need.. I had full intention of going in there and proceeding to try and blast a hole in the back of their urinal... they'll never forget the night that Ryan Hagood stopped here to pee..

but once again my inner monologue was interrupted... this time it was somebody behind me yelling... I turned around to find some overweight bald guy with a truck full of weirdos way too old to be out this late.. He asked me very loudly if I ordered double meat.. I could tell he was drunk.. I said "fuck you" and turned around and walked inside.. he can't touch me right now.. with his yuppy friends,, all too old and pathetic to have real lives.. they've either abandoned their families during a blizzard to go drinking, or they've led such pathetic lives that they've missed every real opportunity at starting one.. have fun guys..


back on the road... as I approach my exit,, I decide to go past,, and catch the u-turn at rufe snow,, so I can cut through the Rec center parking lot... which I know for a fact hasn't been salted.. It's perfect.. not one person has driven through since the snow began to fall a few hours ago.. I creep through it at first,, as if driving slow won't disturb the white sheet,, but then ,, I punch it again and whip out about 4 pristine donuts.. I made a mess of that parking lot, and then hauled ass out of there.. like I'm sixteen years old again and one of the three cops in gorman might by chance be outside of their apartments for once and hear all the commotion..

and now here I sit.. or lie,, on my couch.. listening to the television as I pour my thoughts out into the world wide web..


good morning.

low grade fever, and category II chest pain

hello there,

I feel awful... i woke up four times last night covered in sweat.. so much so, that i had to move over to the opposite side of my bed,, and grab my extra blanket off the floor...

nevertheless,, (yes that is one word) i would wake up an hour later and once again need to switch sides, and pillow and blanket..

awful... I actually felt a little better today.. but then about an hour before i got out of school the illness returned.. I can't recall a time when I've felt like this... I should probably surf on over to webmd and jump on the symptom checker..


oh and yes,, if you were wondering,, I always keep an extra blanket in my floor, next to the bed.. just in case it gets too cold in the night.. and no, it's not neatly folded on the floor,, more like nonchalantly tossed on the ground.. and usually subtly disclosing the location of my television remote,, or wallet,, or keys...

what else is in my floor, you might ask?? well let's see... currently there is a pair of jeans and t-shirt that i wore yesterday... they fall into that category of: not dirty enough to throw in the hamper, but not clean enough to wear to school... most likely I'll wear them again tomorrow after work.. also, there are three notebooks piled up by the wall on top of an electronics text book.. all of which, are left overs from last semester.. I meant to sell the book,, but figured it's too late now,, everyone who is looking for an electronics book has already found one,, or they really don't care about passing their class.. one texas rangers hat,, a belt (actually the belt is hanging over the back of my chair, which is in front of my extra dresser,, which doubles as my makeshift desk) one brand new copy of "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas", a bible, one iphone, and a pair of basketball shorts i wore the other night that didn't quite make it in the hamper.. there's some irony for you,,, after returning from a highly competitive pick-up basketball game, i couldn't even successfully throw my shorts into the hamper from across the room..



well,, i had actually set out to write a blog about the crazy dreams i've been having,,, but i never seem to stay on track.. story of my life..

maybe next time.

oh,, and side note: I could really use a desk.. like an actual desk. so that my legs can slide under the table top, and i can sit up straight and read or type or whatever.. and my back won't someday look like a fishing hook from all this hunching over.. so,, somebody make that happen...

christmas break

well well well... i suppose it's been a while..

I would like to say that i've been so busy on my christmas break that i just couldn't find the time to write... but that would be a lie.. actually i haven't been doing much of anything... besides spending money,, laying around, occasionally working out,, buying books but not reading them,, looking at my guitars but not playing them,, etc. etc...

i did travel to arkansas for a wedding though.. I actually had a whole blog worked out in my head to dedicate solely to that trip,, but it's all gone now... i will say that it was a nice drive,, and that i saw a carnival tent set up on the highway that appeared to have people living out of it.. quite a sight..

and then there was new years eve.. I got to see ghostland observatory again.. as usual,, they put on a bad ass show.. pretty cool environment too,, and i used the occasion to showcase my new blazer (one of the christmas presents for myself)... however afterward I fell asleep on a train and ended up in south dallas.. at 3 am... stranded.. the cab companies were so busy that they wouldn't even talk to you on the phone... We almost had to sleep in a hospital lobby,, but eventually a cab did stop,, and we did make it back to our hotel..

and now,, here i sit.. a week away from my next semester,, flat broke,, wondering how i'm going to pay for books.. and how i'll make it through the semester without starving.. or strangling one of my roommates.. last semester at this time i had four thousand dollars saved up to survive the following three months of part-time wages... currently i have seven hundred... but hey,, i always seem to find a way to pull through... I should mention that there is a brand new engine sitting in my garage, that came with a hefty price tag.. perhaps i should have thought that one over a little while longer..

i think my mood is a little sour today,,, perhaps due to the fact that it's monday and i didn't get to work.. as i was driving to the office this morning i received a call from my superior, who stated that the roads were bad and we were going to wait a couple hours to go in... as he was saying this, i was traveling down the highway at approximately 70 miles per hour.. no ice or snow in sight.. but i said "ok" and turned around... i proceeded to snooze on the couch and wait for the call to go in,, which never came... to make matters worse i would have been on overtime today because our pay period ends on monday and i had worked a full day saturday...

oh well...

speaking of saturday,, i played disc golf for the first time in probably 7 years... it doesn't just come right back like one might expect... but it was still fun.. think i'll start playing again..

anyhow,, i think i'm going to curl up with a book.. one of the many i've bought over the past month with full intentions of reading before the semester starts...


and yes,, i'm aware that this blog is really lack-luster... no grand ideas or jokes. but hey,, they can't all be award winners..