Monday, January 26, 2015

Lettuce



The following poem was written by a friend of mine. I stumbled upon it tonight, and found it to be so perfect and deserving that I've decided it shall be the first blog post of 2015. and of 2014 for that matter.. retroactively.. enjoy.


Lettuce


It makes me feel better that at 28
he doesn’t know how to buy lettuce, admits
he doesn’t know how to make adult sandwiches.
That, even after spending two years
in county prison, he doesn’t eat spaghetti
noodles because they remind him of worms.

Most of my friends are married and starting in
on their first child or second dog, learning the basics
of home ownership or planning their 401ks.
It was a small gift when he told me
that he accidentally bought cabbage, but put
it on his ham and American cheese sandwich anyway.

LB

Thursday, April 18, 2013

is everybody happy now?

Lets talk about life. life is the atmosphere, that I walk, breathe, and observe within. smells that experience, and the feelings that I get. as of late,, this mostly includes physics, equations, concrete dust, asians, homosexuals, welding fumes, hipsters, traffic, my couch, hard hats, more physics, nerds, church ladies, channel locks, the road, my stinking-ass truck, tps reports, door to door salesmen, more physics, angular components of motion, the A&M webssite, dirty laundry in the floor, the road, cheap instant made coffee, my bed, scissor lift, junk food, calculus, busted knuckles, alarm clock, snooze button, ten times in a row, and then,,, the mirror.. faceless, i stare... grey hair, pores, tired eyes, a t-shirt from a concert two years ago and I still wear more than would be deemed socially acceptable, has now gained a growingly noticeable bleach stain, and I forgot to stop for shampoo again and the towels are all dirty. I stare.. through the spotted mirror and into my own eyes.

speechless,,, I've run out of things to say to myself. give or a take a few seconds each morning, and then I remember where exactly I'm going today. eggs and bacon, before a three hour cram session before my physics test. frantically throw my things into a bag and rush out the door,,, to suddenly stop dead in my tracks... it's cold today... and I forgot my bottle of water and orange... run to the truck, throw my shit in, run back inside, put on some dirty pants, turn everything off that I left on before, get the oranges, grab a water, back to the door.. still slightly uncomfortable with the weather.. run back in and grab my hoodie,, find the one without construction cooties on it,, and back to the door. this, time, i can leave comfortably.


the road... red lights, marquees in spanish and asian. sometimes within the same sign. some NPR, "a little sarah jaffe for ya this morning", swerve in to the McDonalds drive thru, 2 McChickens, soon my pants will have lettuce all over them, but at least its not cabbage.

the test.. 3 hours of brooding, occasional stretching, a glance at super-nerd/lab-partner, his equation sheet barely has 1/4 of the page filled in,, mine is covered, top to bottom, in and out,, I can write two words on top of each other and still decipher both of them,, soon, I'll be able to do three. my involuntary back and neck cracks, everyone else has their weird quirks too, the still air is dense with them. sniffles, coughs, yawns, taps, under-the-breath giggles. the professor's keyboard clacks. he peers out the bottom of his glasses, head slightly cocked back, into his computer screen. his face stretches, his chin gradually dropping, his mouth partly open, stretching, slowly morphing from f(x)=0 , to an ellipse, (x^2/a)+(y^2/b)=1 , at first the x is the major axis but then it approaches the y just as he reaches full relax mode. who knows what he's looking at.. probably something way more interesting than what i've got in front of me.

the digital clock has got it going on,, the most popular thing in the room, stealing glances from each and every one. it's green eyes meet ours, but we are shy and unconfident, quickly turn our heads back to the test, stroking the delusion that it didn't notice, like a game of wack a mole, the heads turn, slowly the forth, and quickly back.. the whipping of the heads, especially the two girls, create a slight wind force in the room, defined by mass times acceleration, but since its a rotational movement, likely has linear and angular components,, the girls have some harmonic motion to figure too, the pony tails are creating a pendulum, so the restoring force would have to be factored. the affecting circulatory breeze is nice, and the sound is comforting.. "Three hours are up" , "Everyone put your stuff down" and just as i'm getting to the last problem, and wouldn't you know, it's an easy one! the class moves as people are standing, unzipping, moving, sliding chairs, and i'm frantically writing down the conservation of momentum equation, as i begin to stand and walk.. finished it. nailed it. not so sure about the others though..

3 missed calls from my mom, two texts, my boss wants me in southlake tomorrow, and my friend hasn't mailed off the netflix movie i let her borrow. it's an easy ride home.. slow. hands at ten and two, and mouth hanging much like the professors.. I get home, and smell the trash can.. time to trade out the bag. the dishes have been piling up since I've studied for every single free second of my life the preceding four days. Begrudgingly, I'll do them now, so I don't feel so bad about the nap that I'll soon take. My brother is staying with me lately,, so there is an added load as far as silverware and glasses go.. every. single. dish. flop my sperry's off and let my feet have their way with the dirty kitchen floor. stretching every toe, two at a time and slightly warming the floor with friction, creating a nice comfortable spot to stand on.. In this position i stand, in silence, and finish the dishes. then wipe the counter, what the hell, i might as well sweep and mop too, my kitchen is tiny anyway,, and all without a word. I stare at the clean kitchen for a little bit, soaking it in. smelling the fresh air.. go to my room, put on some good tunes, a new playslist, pop off my shirt, and grab some basketball shorts,, and a book i've been wanting to read, i deserve this,, back in the living room, open the blinds and let some sun in, plop down in the chair, throw the legs up, stretch my back and scoot my butt around in the seat,, really sinking in,, and position the book on my chest.. I start to open the book, but just before i can, a text comes through and my phone plays the xylophone. I look over,,,,, and there on my end table,,, in blazing-plain eyesight, is a dirty coffee cup and a plastic glass.. staring me down..

Friday, June 29, 2012

a very special friday, for a very special someone..

And whom might that someone be???? ME!!! I crack myself up.. anyway,, I'm sitting at my house with absolutely nothing to do! I've dreamt of this moment for several months now.. I kept expecting to have all sorts of free time after finals,, and nope... still busy.. and I kept thinking I would get to read so much this summer,, but nope.. and maybe even write a little,,, but nope.. get a tan, nope.. play basketball/workout,,, not much anyway... so, tonight is my night.. no plans what so ever,, and I haven't even informed anyone of my whereabouts or lack of plans. (so that they in turn could not invite me to anything,, which i would then feel guilty and inevitably attend their "anything") So,, what shall I do?? I have no idea.. any number of the before mentioned activities.. or maybe something completely different.. but first things first,, i believe i'll lock the doors and turn off my phone.. (might be hard,, i never turn off my phone) but before i go,, i feel obligated to at least mention Wakarusa... (the arkansas mountain hippie festival) here's to stating the obvioius,,, it was amazing!! other than that.. i learned a lot about hippies, and a lot about myself.. I believe that this is the first time in my life, that i've ever felt uncomfortable at a music festival.. the amount of hippies were overwhelming. I was surrounded by them.. they were sleeping in trees, and on the ground. the camping was very close quarters.. from the comfort of my sleeping bag i could hear numerous conversations, I knew what everybody's business was.. and they knew mine. the older i get, the more i feel like hank hill.. i just wanted about 20 yards of space, and for anyone that wished to speak with me to announce their purpose from the same distance, before approaching my "area".. however,, they failed to recognize my body language and approached whenever they deemed necessary. I do have to say,, that for the most part,, i had pleasant conversations and totally enjoyed the company of my hippie friends once i had let my initial guard down.. there was only a couple of interactions that i didn't enjoy.... so then,, why was i still being aloof?? i think maybe, the question itself is what was making me uncomfortable.. I've always been able to sink right into festival life.. go with the flow, forget about the real world and it's responsibilities. just sort of float from one concert to another, carrying only basic necessities in my back pack, and sharing with those around me while we sit indian style on the grass and in the sun, or even the rain, waiting for our favorite bands to take the stage. usually your knees are overlapping the person's next to yours and the sweat from both of your legs mixes together to make some sort of hippie half breed sweat.. the odor of which is drenched with sunblock, pot smoke, and greasy tacos.. nevermind the fact that your feet and glutes fell asleep twenty minutes ago,, you're just now slipping into what i like to consider "the comfort zone".. the point when all of these usually annoying/painful bodily situations are nigh because you simply can't feel your appendages anymore... perhaps you're slipping into a slightly altered state of consciousness.. a meditation almost.. to where, what is actually an hour only seems like a matter of minutes.. and you suddenly become interested in all of your surroundings... every single detail. or even the conversations from groups of people a few yards away.. nevermind the people next to you,,, you already know all of their business.. you even have a complete inventory of what's in their backpack... i've always been a daydreamer.. perhaps this attributes to my ability to enter the state in question.. anyway,, then,, out of nowhere a distinct sound brings everyone simultaneously to their feet.. usually the first chord, or drum beat of the bands opening song. i've never been hypnotized (that i know of) but i bet the feeling of being brought out of a hypnotic state, staring at some mid forties shrink and wondering what the hell just happened; is pretty close to the feeling i get when we all stand up and scream for the band. It's like i've forgotten why i was even sitting their with my leg stuck the guy next to me until i heard the magic word.. anyhow,, this time,, I never really slipped into festival life as i usually do.. maybe it was the intense hiking that i was doing... or maybe it was the fact that i was broke,, and had to count every dollar i had while there,, keeping me from really letting go of the real world problems that i currently have.. or maybe i'm just getting old.. I did enjoy myself,, immensely.. and i did see a lot of cool bands,, and a lot of cool stuff.. and met some crazy people.. and even traded a piece of bacon to some hippie chick for a sea shell.. which now resides in my truck. soo,, the question,, so i can try to wrap this thing up.. why was i being aloof?? (i laugh every time a type that) i was asking myself that all weekend.. as i mentioned,, normally i am not bothered by hippies.. although this might have been the largest population of hippies i've ever been in.. but i think i was uncomfortable, not because of the people,, or any other outside stimulus.. i was uncomfortable because i didn't understand my own thoughts.. I was uncomfortable because i DIDN'T slip into the festival life this time,, and i didn't know why.. I didn't lose sight of all of my goals and responsibilities.. and i was asking myself why.. and it was making me uncomfortable.. I think the defining moment of the weekend was during matisyahu's set. I love matisyahu's live performances.. LOVE them.. I generally even dance during his sets.. so,, going into his show i had high expectations.. and,, just like any other time in my life,, high expectations often lead to disappointment.. he had changed his set a bit to play for this crowd,, which is likely different from the dallas crowd i have seen him perform for twice in the past.. and he shaved his beard... and the soundman wasn't doing the best of jobs... all this combined with the fact that it was 1:00am on a sunday morning, and immediately following his show I was going to have to hike about a mile through mountain terrain to get back to my truck.. and then we were going to drive six hours back to dallas.. putting our arrival right about 7:00.. at which point in time I would have to decide whether or not to tough it out and go to work,, or take the day off.. so i'm standing there.. in a large group of people.. most of whom are taking acid. and dancing.. with bright colored lights blasting in my face every few seconds, and matisyahu dancing around and beatboxing on stage literally fifteen feet in front of me.. and all of a sudden i think to myself, "what in the fuck am i doing here?" I'm tired and my back hurts, and i don't have any money, and there is a blister on the back of my heel that is really bugging the shit out of me, and my truck payment is due next week, and my tent is rolled up in a mess in the back of my truck because i packed it up in the middle of a storm, and i'm twenty seven years old, and i have to find a place to live by the end of the summer, and nobody wants to lease to me already because of my criminal record, and god knows what they'd think if i told them that i just spent the weekend with a bunch of wild ass hippies that slept on the ground and didn't shower, and i'm about to drive six hours in the middle of the night, a good portion of which is winding mountain roads that i'm unfamiliar with, and i've been in college for three years already and i'm still at least three more away from any sort of a degree, and i want to at least get some sort of career started by my mid thirties, and i'm likely not going to work tomorrow, so that's one days wages that won't go toward whatever goal in my life i could have shot it toward.. one day further away from whatever i'm chasing after... (in fact, i would sleep most of the day),, and there's a bunch of 18 year old lookin kids out here that appear to be on drugs and every one of them reminds me of my little brother,, and the fact that i'm about ten years older than these little butt holes that think they know all about using drugs and not getting caught or overdosing or any of the other nuances to drug users when really they haven't the slightest clue what they're doing or where the hell it came from!!, and given the opportunity i'd have to give them a piece of my mind, i'm positive that they haven't studied the long term effects of these chemicals such as extensively as myself, and even if they did they probably wouldn't care because i didn't either when i was their age, but still they should know.. (and why in the hell did their parents let them come to this thing anyway, they should be the ones put on my imaginary chopping block in the first place,,) and that in the next few years i'm going to have to start forking over the extra money to camp in the old people-go to bed early section,, and i already know my mom is going to be blowing my phone up in the morning wanting to know how it went, and,, I'm ready to be back in texas.. so i turned to dusty and said, "hey man, lets get out of here" and I don't know if he was thinking all of those same things,, but he didn't argue at all.. he was just like, "ya,, lets do it".. so we made the trek back to the truck and came home.. and now some three to four weeks later, i'm spending a good portion of my friday night writing about it.. which is nice.. ok.. sorry,, i really went off... and i'm not even going to edit. surely no one will make it all the way to the end anyway... so enjoy.

Friday, May 25, 2012

absolutely no reason to read this..

Wow... I haven't written in eight months. I think I'll go for a whole year next time.. Actually, the only reason I am writing now is because I just spent the last two hours of my life reading my own ramblings. I wanted to make sure that I wouldn't totally alienate and offend the friend that I recently traded "blogspot url's" with. After reading nearly every blog I've written in the last two years, (and i must add, that i did laugh at my own jokes a couple times) I decided that I might as well write one.. only trouble is,,, I have literally nothing to write about.. This is a lot harder than it used to be,,, 2010 apparently, was a good year for writing for me.. 2011-2012 not so much.. 6 blogs in 2011, 1 in 2012.. thirty something in 2010.. actually,, I can't rightly recall,, but I bet I wrote twice as many in 2009 and 2008.. but,, that little bit of fact checking would require me to get out the ol' external hard drive and do a crap-ton more reading... so I'll just leave it at that... anywho, I have recently been encouraged to start writing my book again, and even write in general.. So I think I'll do that.. So I guess what I'm getting at is, Consider yourself warned. There's going to be more of this boring nonsense coming your way shortly..

Saturday, September 3, 2011

The world and all within it

I'm laying in the grass, next to my little brother, underneath the huge sky and the million stars within it. This world seems amazingly large from this viewpoint. People are everywhere doing different things, they all have different problems on their mind. They all have their own agenda. Rushing to and fro, or taking their time. Laughing, crying. We're all under this same sky.

But right here and now. The world is small. It's just me and him. no communication, except for the heart. A handful of memories. I should say a clenched fist full of memories, that will not be loosened until I someday grow senile.

I remember his toes. Sticking out from under the blue sheet. They were dull, a shade of yellow, but still his. The middle toe longer than his big toe, slightly crooked, just like mine. I could have identified his body just from his feet. His hairy wrists and hands, also just like mine. His eyes half open, staring at the ceiling. I looked straight into them, I could still sense pain in there, but somewhat alleviated. His chest and shoulders had grown large over the last year. Here was a grown man laying before me. His muscles were tense, his hair soft. I couldn't stop running my hands through his Mohawk. The blood on his forehead and behind his ear had grown crusty by the time I arrived. I didn't witness his last breath. The last beat of his heart. I loathe this. No matter how hard I squeezed his arms or feet, I could not reverse time. though this did not stop me from trying. And then I watched the men pull the sheet over his head, and wheel him down the hall. Out the glass doors, lifting the table to slide him Into the back of a van....

Now I lay beside him, There is a single rose on top of his casket. Six feet underground. My mother dropped it in the hole as they lowered him in. I'm sure it has wilted by now...

There are plenty of good memories, plenty of bad ones.. But from now on, the memories will consist of this. Me sitting beside him, clenching the grass, the same fashion as I had clenched his Mohawk... The mohawk, a symbol of his bold personality and rebellion, but at the same time it reminds me so much of his childhood. He always had a mohawk every summer. Until he got old enough to realize that it wasn't cool anymore and it didn't make him any tougher..

But,,, the world is bigger than just me and him, and it will continue to turn. No matter how much energy I waste trying to stop it.

Monday, May 16, 2011

blogs, blogs, and more blogs.....

it has been quite a while, hasn't it???

well,, the semester is over,, I've dropped an old friend, and gained a girl friend..

My living situation is about to change drastically,, once again, there will be a baby in the house... not sure how I feel about that..

anyhow,, I've had several really good ideas for blogs lately,, and then forgot them all while shoving facts about electricity and texas government into my cranium over the last three weeks... but that's all over now,, at least for a few months..

in other news,, I have a pet squirrel now,, and she took a big step today,, she made the official move to her cage outdoors.. her first night out of the house,,, ah,, they grow up so fast.. we'll see how she does..


I feel that I achieved a special accomplishment today.. I ate from all three food groups today: Pork, Chicken, and Beef... ah, what a day.. If i hadn't felt too tired and retired to the bedroom a few minutes ago, I could have also had a turkey leg.. oh well,, it'll be waiting for me in the fridge tomorrow..

also,, I borrowed a chainsaw from a friend today.. and proceeded to chop down a bunch of limbs and piss off my neighbors for a solid hour.. there's something relaxing about looking at a bunch of sawed up wood laying on the ground in your yard.. I followed up that activity with a back yard fire and a steak I bought from the farmers market the other day... ah,, grass fed beef....


oh,, in other news,,, my dad is selling all his cows,, and getting out of the business... so,, I have to decide what to do with my two cows.. unfortunately I'm not yet to the phase of my life where i could keep a cow in my backyard... so,, my ideal solution is out of the question..


ok,, I think I'll spend the rest of my evening lying in bed,pondering the better things in life: red meat, power tools, and back rubs... and indy music festivals...

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Lissie - Pursuit of Happiness





I'm in love... seriously.. I can't even begin to describe what happens inside me when I watch this video..


fuck engineering.. I'm going back to music..